You’ve tried absolutely everything. You’ve checked the bum, the clothes, tried to feed them, burp them, checked to see if they are too hot, too cold, too something… and you just CAN’T figure it out. And the crying seems to never end, it’s been going on for days and you are just so damn tired. You are at the point of no return, ready to step off that plank and into the deepest part of the ocean because you feel like taking one step more would break you.
Then to top it off, you’ve tried one baby carrier, two, three. Heck you’ve tried so many, that you feel you could write a Dr. Seuss book that goes something like one sling, two slings, red sling, blue sling. If you have gone down that list of things that might be wrong backwards, forwards, and sideways, and they are still crying, it is not your fault.
Some babies just cry more than others. Take a deep BREATH. Because when you have a baby that’s been crying, crying, crying, and you can’t solve the issue right here, right now, it’s time to focus on YOU. It’s time to take care of yourself.
REMEMBER who you are. We all had likes and dislikes before becoming parents, ways that we used to successfully cope with stress and it’s time to pull some of those out of your hat. Maybe you like music. Who cares if it’s suitable for children, if you like it, if you will be happy listening to it – for a song, for three songs, heck for the entire collection, then do it.
Get out of the house. When you feel overwhelmed and stuck, when things feel so big, start moving. Try mommy & parenting groups. If they aren’t your thing, join a walking club, get in the car for a drive, take a bus ride, slap on your headphones and go for a walk (walks are nicer if you can’t hear the crying as much).
Reach out. Go down your entire contact list, go down your entire friends list and start messaging all of them. Heck, tell them all the same story – they aren’t going to be comparing notes. And if you feel like you’re being a pain, then BE A PAIN. Invite them over, ask them to take the baby for an hour or two, get your partner involved while you go for a walk on your own.
GET help. None of us can move through life alone.
Especially if you are feeling so frustrated that you want to just shake that baby, or completely shut down and leave it in another room. Your goal right now is just to find a way through this moment. Get the help you need to move from this moment, to the next moment, and to the one beyond that. Find out what you need. Take care of yourself. DO whatever you need to do to find your equilibrium.
And pretty soon you’ll be saying, “Hey, look at me. I coped.”
Baby carriers are just a tool. There’s no magic in them and they won’t solve anything in and of themselves. But if you can move through one moment to the next, pretty soon you too will have your magical unicorn pixie dust shot.
Have you ever had something that mattered a whole heck of a lot? Where you feel compelled to do it — because of the joy you feel when you are in the middle of it, because of the light you bring to others, because it makes you feel complete? That is exactly what it is like for me when I work in this space, when I help parents find the magic of baby carriers, when I help them be okay with whatever stage they find themselves in right now, whether I am working with clients locally through Crown of Dreams or with parents in my Babywearing in Canada group.
In Canada, we have seen a lot of information on babywearing that comes from other places – either carrying theory developed in Europe or a style of babywearing groups that were developed in the United States. I didn’t realize just how different my approach was until I joined the BCIA in 2010, and then again when I started attending babywearing conferences in 2012. Taking part in these things has inspired me to bring what I have been doing locally with Babywearing in Canada, what I have been posting and writing about on the facebook page, and build something larger.
To be more effective, I decided to incorporate. This I did November 2014. I was really excited. I was getting ready to submit my trade marks myself, when I heard from one of my babywearing moms that a mommy group had used my name for a For sale or trade group on facebook. My heart fell. With her help, I went and found it. I contacted the admins and asked they consider changing the name of their group and they declined, citing facebook’s rules. But facebook will change a group name if both sides agree that there is a need due to infringement.
It was at this point that I went into shock. I am a single parent managing a household with my part-time income. I did not know if I could find the strength to fight this, or the money. I go work at the office, I come home, take care of the kids, then oftentimes, I hop onto the computer to work on my small business. It requires a lot of energy, time, and organization. Was the fight I would need to gear up for in order to keep the right to my name as a business going to be the end of me? Was it time to give up? Defending myself is not something that comes naturally to me. I have been a pretty private person my whole life. To do this whole-heartedly, I needed to let my voice be heard on another level. After a really bad night’s sleep, my answer to myself was NO. It’s my dream, don’t I deserve to be on my side, to fight for my vision? YES. Yes, I sure do.
The next day, I consulted with a couple of lawyers, finalized my strategy, and hired them to work on my behalf despite the cost. And it is high for me.
I matter. I have a right to a voice. I have a right to keep and use the name that I have been using since January 2009. I am not going to give up my dreams at this stage, they mean too much. So far, with Babywearing in Canada, I have supported parents locally, organized Babywearing in Canada weeks nationally, supported Canadian businesses. And I intend to keep on doing exactly that. So I made a brutally honest video explaining my situation. Here is the original posting on facebook and on my YouTube channel.
I have a large stock of carriers. I use them to teach. I have them available for rent locally under the Crown of Dreams logo for parents who want to try a new brand, dress up for a wedding, or for trips. I always sell a few each year, and this year, I am selling more than anticipated to help fund these legal costs. Right now, I am asking for you help and support. Like my Babywearing in Canada page. Go check out my carriers for sale at the link below and see if there’s anything you need, anything you like. And thank you for listening to my story. http://hyenacart.com/CrownofDreams/2918/category/13/Carriers-for-Sale
Original video now on Youtube:
Trade mark submission for Babywearing in Canada.
Curious about what happens at the Ottawa Babywearing Group? Here are some recent meeting summaries.
February 19, 2015
We had a boomerang mom back in on her second maternity leave and we said hello to two new moms and babes to the drop-in this morning. All with babies ranging around the three month mark and one with a VERY cute mohawk. We got to play with a Sewfunky Gira wrap conversion ring sling, a older blue Ergo with sailboats on the lining, a new handwoven, and of course, the kit I brought along in my bag: Natibaby and a BBSlen shorty, BBSlen padded ring sling, a pod and an Ellaroo mei tai.
We briefly talked about how sometimes healing from a c-section can take quite a bit longer, and how some women still feel discomfort and pain months after their baby’s birth. We discussed proper carrying technique to avoid aggravating the incision site, which includes waiting to use carriers that attach at the waist. We played with a tummy to tummy carry with three month old L– in the ring sling, and also about how using a front pack carrier like a Snugli or Bjorn with no waist attachment is a great option until your core is feeling stronger. These carriers place the entire weight of the baby on your shoulders and are great for little bubs who have reflux and do not like to be swaddled. It is important to respect and limit the amount of carrying you do when you are recuperating from a c-section. Smaller bursts of carrying are better than one longer session.
I also got to play with the N– again today. Jen and Shannon were trying to get her into a ruck with a superman fly but she was having NONE of it. At this point, you can switch and use a Santa toss. The great thing about using a Santa toss is that you can use it to swaddle a child that is squirmy into a hammock, then lift it up over your shoulder before securing them into place. You can practice with a 5-10 kg bag of flour, or a bag of rice for all you gluten free peeps, it’s on sale with it being the Chinese New Year. The things we talk about during babywearing meetings. A proper ruck with a short wrap can be safely tied under the bum, here is a picture of me wearing my youngest with a 2.4 m long wrap.
If you’ve never learned wrapping with me, then I will let you know I like to scare the moms a bit by purposefully popping the seat when their child is in the wrap. It is a good way to show what it feels like when you are in a safe environment, what signs to look out for if a mirror isn’t handy to check the seat, and to learn what that loosening sensation can really mean.
Milkface has new nursing necklaces that features textured and wooden beads. They are very pretty and perfect for babies who prefer wood.
February 5, 2015
This meeting was a lot of fun because we had Susanne Reinhold in with her cute little girl and we did a million rucks (no word of a lie) with this six-month-old and not at any point did she do anything other than smile each and every single time she went on her mom’s back. We chose to superman the little one as it was a fast and easy way to get a crawling babe up quickly. You need to remember to cross both arms, grab both the top edge of the wrap and the baby at the top of their shoulders just underneath their armpits.
Because Susanne is originally from Germany, I didn’t have to explain why it was called a ruck carry, and she translated what ruck means in German. It means to push or toss, like in a sort of heave ho movement. Lol. Susanne’s opinion of the ruck carry? Easy! Yay – my favourite answer.
We also had an old friend visit us with her 3 year old daughter. It was great to see them again. She wanted to know how to use her beautiful Gira to carry her daughter over her winter coat when she got tired, instead of hauling the stroller about just in case it was needed. The best solution was to have the wrap around the mom’s hips prior to moving her child on her back using a hip scoot. A neat thing we figured out was that you can keep the tails of the wrap as dry and clean as possible by stuffing them into the pockets of your winter coat. Pretty cool, eh?
Susanne and I are both small business owners here in town, and I have known her for a few years. Her business is called Kangaroo Fitness and she has a pre-natal fitness series starting soon. Click on this link for more information. BTW, Susanne love the quote at the top of the page. Haven’t seen that one since university! Here’s a great picture of Susanne on my Crown of Dreams facebook page goofing around at the Baby Boom expo in 2013.
January 22, 2015
We had a lovely meeting. Today, we welcomed some moms of twins. First a set of older boys with mom Alison, and we played around with how to get a really really active boy into a back carry. He was very vocal, very opinionated, and a back archer to boot. The first time we tried superman, loading him right onto the back and he went so quickly into a back arch, that he had that wrap down at his bum lickety-split: It was like Houdini reincarnated. So we did an improvised partial rebozo carry with the long wrap, got it snug, then hip scooted him around to the back so mom could be more upright on the second pass, which reduced the little guy’s back arching tendencies.
Some babes will be very active as they get older when you are trying to get them onto your back and it can be hard to distinguish when they are truly popping out of their seat versus bouncing up and down. I do recommend, if you can afford it, a $10-$40 wall mirror for checking yourself – it is not only reassuring to see yourself as you move through each pass, but the babes also like to see their reflection when they are older and then that lets you turn it into a cool game while you’re getting them in.
The second set of twin boys were soooo new, they squeaked! They are Ottawa’s latest birthing sensation – surprise twins born naturally at full term… Dad was there too. While mom Vicky was nursing, Dad and I did a tummy to tummy carry with the other babe, then a partial cradle. It is really important that a stretchy wrap be so tight to keep it from loosening so it holds the baby’s weight overtime. Also keeping the neck extended, and the airway clear is really important.
I also got to chat a bit, discuss a small amount about how the holidays went, and I got to show Ashley how to use her new to her Psling (which she bought to support me) to hold our girl S—. I got to hold A—, which is always lovely, especially when he cuddles right down tucked in against my chest just under my chin. A baby who trusts you so much he just tucks right in like you’re part of his family is one of the best things in the world. We also got to play a little game of pass the babies as the older twins visited a little bit with everyone in the room. So fun.
It was really nice to have a mom of older twins there to share her experiences with us. To be able to cope with twins, you have to be a lot more flexible. We talked about feeding and how parents of multiples learn very quickly to be very accepting and very flexible in terms of feeding arrangements, some pump for a bit then are able to transition one or both over to nursing, with or without supplementation as needed.
There is an Ottawa Multiples breastfeeding support group run every month on the 4th Monday in the Carling area. Next meeting is this coming Monday January 26, 2015. For more information, join their facebook group. Both the group and the drop-in are run by the lovely Beth McMillan.
Another important thing to remember while parenting twins, if they are sleeping in their car seats when you get to the store, accept the pause for the gift that it is and leave them sleeping in their car seats / strollers. Then you can enjoy a coffee without worrying about spilling it on your child. Although carrying two twins looks very beautiful and can be very practical, it is okay to use a stroller and alternate their time in it and carry one at a time. Also carrying two on each hip does reduce your ability to go successfully through doors and is less supportive than having one on the front and the other on the back. A good resource in town for parents of multiples is the Multiple Birth Families Association (MBFA).
Crown of Dreams also offers courses on how to carry multiples.
January 8, 2015
It was a low key meeting, no surprise given some of the temperatures we have been seeing this week. Although, this past snowfall was lovely and fun to shovel because it was so FLUFFY! Such a relief after the mucky cement this weekend.
There was one mom who nursed her little one for a bit at the start and we had a nice chat about how important it is to have a good support network, a laugh about the comic routines of JG (what is like having a fourth baby, you are drowning and they hand you another one), and how it can take some adjusting to get used to being on maternity leave, the challenges and fun of subsequent children. Then I chatted with Elvie about the crazy situation in France, how some Europeans want American products whereas here we are all agog over EU goods as Canadians before I headed on home. Humans, they be a funny lot always thinking the grass is greener on the other side, especially since most goods you purchase are neither made in North America or Europe.
December 18, 2014
Had a fun, relaxed meeting today. Perfect for just before the holidays – and with lots of yummy treats… everything from chocolate covered raisins, clemmies, toasted coconut, lemon squares, lemon loaf, and lovely scones.
Today the important thing we learned is to never play on kangaroo. Apparently it’s nasty. We played with Jennifer’s new to her home-made pod and finally got Alex happy and smiling up into it, played around with a back carry using a Tula (and sorry we didn’t get to practice more!) and met new friends. Including a mom who may come back as she needs help with her Bjorn.
We also got to play with a handwoven TieLark wrap that is recently fresh off the loom and made locally. It was brought in by Bernadeth, who with her friend has started this company. You may recall awhile back that I posted their funding video.
For those having issues nursing, a new to us resource was discovered called Ottawa Breastfeeds. For a list of services and clinics check out their website at:
And I got to hold LOTS and LOTS of babies, and get lovely toddler smiles. What better thing can there be this close to the holidays? Except hanging out and meeting great people like we did today… We compared holiday traditions, and discussed everything from nursing issues, to fiesty interfering relatives, and wished everyone a Happy Hannukah and Merry Christmas. Happy holidays everyone!
November 27, 2014
Thank you to everyone who came today, it was a great meeting. We had some friends come back to group on another maternity leave (yay!) and we got to talking about how expressing yourself is important, especially in relation to a poor prenatal and birth experience. Jennifer is extremely active with ICANN and one of their goals is to provide support for mothers healing from caesareans. I strongly recommend tapping into this resource, the next meeting is in a few weeks at the Ottawa Integrative Health Centre (OIHC) Wednesday December 10, 2014, at 7pm at 1129 Carling Ave. For more information about what happens in meetings, please post them here or you can pm Jen directly.
Making sure you have the right support network in place once you’ve expressed your anger is important. A release of anger is cathartic if you can feel supported, but can make the anger increase if you feel like all you’re facing is isolation, loneliness, or a blank wall of indifference.
Today, we also talked about transitioning from one carrier style to another, practiced a front wrap cross carry (or three), and I even got to toss A— up into a quick ruck by jollying him into thinking it was exactly what he wanted. The truth is that sometimes we can use a variety of tricks to make it easier for your babe to accept being put in the carrier. But other times you have to decide: Your needs vs the child’s. If mobility, the need to get things done, etc, takes precedence over a temporary grumpiness on your baby’s part, then you win. It’s that simple. A bit of a bounce, some singing, a special toy can make the transition happen faster. My kid would eventually just grab my braid and cuddle it.
I also got to talk complete utter nonsense to N—, and talking nonsense to cranky babies can be so much fun (unless it’s like the millionth hour of no sleep). I got to determine the ENTIRE conversation and she got really serious and listened. Lol. I would be spooked, however, if she repeats it back to me verbatim in a few years.
November 13, 2014
We talked about a lot of different things during this meeting. The difficulties and isolation you can feel when on maternity leave, how to ask for support even if you are shy, your right to be supported, and different things you can do to find your tribe. Not everyone who babywears walks around all zen with the world, with hairy legs singing kumbaya, sacrificing all for the needs of their baby. The whole point of babywearing is to make it easier for you to feel empowered and be able to do what you love, not become someone you are not. Here are some options to combine what some of my moms love to do and still have their babes along for the ride.
City of Ottawa mom and baby bootcamp: https://apps102.ottawa.ca/Activities/ActivitiesCourseDetails.asp?cid=662441&LanguageID=1
And then party with baby which is much like Salsa Babies.
Dr. Nils Bergman is a well known advocate for kangaroo care, which is best known when you use skin to skin contact to help preemies obtain optimal outcomes due to a rough start in life. I have seen him interviewed many times, typically in videos about early infant care or which promote the right to birth as naturally as possible. He has said many, many lovely supportive things over the years – like that it is never too late to play catch-up and optimize the growth trajectory of your baby, and that anyone can be part of the child’s attachment environment.
Therefore when I read a Daily Mail article which states that he fully believes that “Changes to the brain brought on by stress hormones may make it more difficult to form relationships later on, leading to problems such as promiscuity,” I nearly fell off of my chair.
Say it isn’t so! The cure, the guarantee against this is to bedshare with your baby for the first three to four years of their lives. What the what? I quickly hopped onto the internet to see whether the Daily Mail had quoted him incorrectly. Nope, they got it right.
OH GIVE ME A BREAK!
I agree that co-sleeping can offer many benefits, but how anyone can even say some of the nonsense in this article with a straight face just slays me. Not bed-sharing until three years of age leads to greater promiscuity? Really? So if you don’t bedshare until your child is about ready to enter kindergarten, they will have such a low sense of self-esteem that they will search for approval and love in really inappropriate ways by offering to sleep with absolutely anyone who crosses their path? Apparently, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS…
None of it? JUST bedsharing, or the lack of it will cause promiscuity.
Bedsharing, like babywearing, offers a lot of benefits to be sure. The proximity effect which allows you to respond immediately to your child’s needs, the warmth provided by your body, all of that is important. But so are a lot of other things that you just don’t do in bed, like walking, talking, playing, singing with your baby, being with your partner, with your loved ones. In bed, babies don’t get introduced and interact with people in their community, they don’t get to safely explore their environment, they don’t get to see all the fullness and the emotions that are part of life such as anger, fear, happiness, sadness, joy and so much more. They just mainly sleep, poop, and nurse.
To suggest that you cannot raise healthy secure children if you don’t bedshare is ridiculous. Well attached children are raised everyday in Canada by caring parents who follow a variety of parenting styles because they meet their children’s needs as well as their own. They respond appropriately to their babies when they are crying and are upset, they play with their children, they include them in every aspect of life. They provide a proper framework to help them determine how to move through life, how to explore their environment, provide limits on what you should and should not do in various situations and circumstances.
That includes parents who babywear and don’t bedshare.